Do you expect your partner to always meet your expectations? Even if they were unrealistic? Here are some reasons you may be setting those expectations and how to cope.
Daily interactions with a loved one compel us to share who we are, along with our fears, self-doubt, shame, inconsistencies, and other inherent human flaws. These vulnerabilities are made harder, particularly when we hold onto exaggerated expectations in even our most devoted partnerships. Invariably, doing so results in agony that manifests as sadness, hurt, anxiety, and anger.
Generally, there is nothing wrong with having healthy expectations in a relationship, like expecting love, respect, communication, and understanding. But sometimes, it is unrealistic to expect our partner to know our feelings without communicating them, expecting our relationship to be perfect and free of conflicts, expecting our partner to spend most of their time with us, and expecting our relationship or partner to stay the same.
It can be challenging to let go of unrealistic expectations, even when they bring us down. This is partly because we think having high expectations for ourselves is beneficial. We believe that these goals encourage and inspire us to fulfill our ambitions. Expectations that are too high may also feel protective. We might be concerned that if we lower our standards, others will take advantage of us and harm us.
However, we don’t require impossibly high standards to guarantee our safety. Instead, we ought to emphasize the significance of putting aside our thoughts and concentrating on the experiences we are having right now, like how someone is treating us.
Why do we have unrealistic expectations in a relationship?
Reasons for unrealistic expectations in a relationship:
- Childhood
Commonly, some unhealthy traits or habits root back in childhood, and unrealistic expectations are one of them. You may want your partner to fill up what your caregivers or parents have deprived you of. If you were looking for a supportive and affectionate parent as a kid, you might look for those needs in your partner or friend as an adult. You may try hard to please them to get back what you expect from them, and in case those expectations were not met this time, too, you may fall into bigger disappointments.
- Personality
Unrealistic expectations are also related to your personality. If you want to be controlling of your partner, you will unintentionally expect them to act the way you want or find as suitable. Assuming your opinion only matters and not showing compassion to your partner will make them more void to failure, and you end up being both unsatisfied with your relationship. You are not responsible for dictating to your partner the proper way of acting. Your partner has his/her own unique personality and habits.
- Previous relationships
We are highly influenced by our past experiences because we tend to either sustain our happiness or get over our mistakes. Suppose you were previously satisfied with your past relationship and expect your partner to bring you roses daily as your ex used to do. In that case, you’re placing unrealistic expectations on your partner. People are different, and their ways of expression are different too. Alternatively, if you came out of a toxic or harmful relationship, you may project this on your current partner by trying to past mistakes.
- Media
Relying on what the media markets as an “ideal relationship” confuses you between what you deserve and what you think your relationship should be. The fact that most of us grew up in a society that projected ideal relationships from what was mentioned in books, love fairytales, movies, and now social media guided our feelings and thoughts about what a relationship should be and how our partners will treat us.
You have the chance to fix these misconceptions about relationship expectations and work on having a healthier bond with your partner.
5 Ways to cope with unrealistic expectations in a relationship.
- Distinguish Your Expectations And Boundaries.
Knowing the difference between what is acceptable and what is not is key to determining your expectations of how you want your partner to treat you. Awareness of your thoughts and acknowledging them is the first step to setting more realistic expectations. Writing them down can help you have a clearer picture. After identifying your boundaries and expectations, it’s essential you make sure your partner is aware of them and accepts them. Knowing your partner is unwilling to share finances with you might be shocking and disappointing. Here is the importance of communication after being aware and confident of what you want or expect. Remember to keep compromise as an option between you and your partner.
- Practice Gratitude
Realizing that things might not go as expected might frustrate you and make you question your relationship with your partner. While your expectations may be high and unrealistic, remember to stop for a moment and look out for the positives in your relationship and partner. There is always something to be grateful for. You may want to write these as reminders in your journal as a daily routine.
- Communicate your expectations
Communication is key in all relationships. The only way to ensure your partner knows what you are thinking and what you want from them is simply to tell them. Unspoken expectations are far from being met, no matter how close you are to your partner. But, communicating your expectations doesn’t mean that they should be fulfilled. Better communication skills mean a better understanding each other’s wants and needs. This is a chance for deeper discussions and compromises for a healthier relationship.
- Be compassionate
Know that no one of you is perfect. That’s why it’s essential to find a middle ground between both your expectations. This means communicating with patience and an open mind. Make sure you are both aware of what is accepted and what is not; in that way, you are less likely to cross boundaries. Ask your partner about their expectations of you and the relationship and discuss your point of view. Remember that your partner is a human and has feelings and rights just as you do.
- Don’t compare your relationship to others.
What you see in romantic movies and social media influencers share on their platforms is not the reality. The pressure may be hard to handle, but if you remind yourself that what you see or hear doesn’t reflect reality and that no one ever has a perfect life or partner, it will help you face these toxic influences. Instead, invest in your relationship and try to know each other more daily. Remember, other couples might assume you’re the perfect example of a “power couple” while you know the reality doesn’t really reflect that.
Having realistic expectations of your partner and relationship will save you both from more unnecessary disappointments and help you have a stronger relationship.
Know the difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations, communicate your thoughts and needs, be compassionate, and value yourself daily!
