Childhood trauma may entail several effects in your adult life that may be most prevalent in your romantic relations. What are the effects, and how can you cope with them?
If you suffered trauma in your early years, you might perceive and experience adult relationships differently. Perhaps you don’t always feel safe, or you approach conflict with hesitation or avoidance. All of these are natural and viable options.
Trauma impedes a person’s growth and development, influencing who they become. Children who have experienced trauma or who live in a dysfunctional household do not understand how to behave in an adult relationship. They struggle to recognize boundaries, which could jeopardize the relationship.
When a youngster grows up in a dysfunctional environment, he or she learns inappropriate methods to connect with others. They observe how their caretakers interact, and if the adults in their lives act in unhealthy ways, the child will as well. The way caregivers and other adults interact with the child shapes the child’s worldview. It influences their sense of self, their interactions with others, and their ability to form and maintain adult relationships.
This blog will discuss the effects of childhood trauma on adult relationships and offer ways to deal with them.
How childhood trauma impacts adult relationships?
Because we learn about emotional attachments early in life, childhood trauma can impact relationships. As a result, when those we rely on for survival hurt us or are absent, it might affect how we perceive the human connection. Also, many other factors are at work, such as the severity of the trauma, the length of time you were exposed to it, and how frequently it occurred.
Childhood trauma can have a wide range of effects on how you interact with adults. This is not true for everyone, but it may be true for some. Here are some examples:
Attachment styles
Suppose a child was not taught the fundamentals of how to value and love themselves as a result of negligent, abusive, or avoidant parenting. In that case, this can lead to the development of an avoidant attachment style in which others become mirror reflections for external validation. On the other hand, a youngster who is shamed, verbally assaulted, or compared to others may develop an anxious attachment, striving to do more to satisfy the un-pleasable while failing to see their own worth. They frequently become ‘people-pleasers’ and overthinkers, dreading being judged by others guiding their actions.
Trust issues
If you’ve experienced certain early life events, it’s fairly uncommon to struggle with trusting others. You may find it difficult to believe that your spouse will be there for you when you need them, or that they will respect your needs and limits. You may also doubt your love, even if your partner expresses it.
Communication methods
Childhood trauma can impact how you communicate with others as an adult. Your communication style may reflect what you were shown as a child. For example, if you grew up in a household with a lot of yelling, you may mimic these interactions with your partner. You may believe that this is how to deal with conflict in a relationship. You may also find it difficult to verbally express your emotions or discuss what is important to you.
Reenactment of a trauma
You may enter into partnerships that imitate or reinforce what you learned as a youngster in some instances. This is known as trauma reenactment. You may find yourself repeating patterns from your childhood and putting yourself in situations where you will be injured emotionally or physically again. This is not a personal preference. It could be a defense mechanism that drives you to seek something familiar. It could also be an unconscious attempt to heal by reliving the same experiences.
Fear of abandonment
Children reared in abusive and neglectful circumstances where their needs were fulfilled frequently develop a fear of abandonment, and most have experienced it at least once. Abandonment can be emotional or physical. Those who acquire a fear of abandonment struggle with being alone and frequently have overlapping relationships to avoid being alone. This behavior negatively promotes their trauma, fostering traumatic bonding and reinforcing their need to be in a relationship.
Lower emotional intelligence (EQ)
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the capacity to identify and control your own emotions as well as the emotions of others in a variety of settings. In other words, it has something to do with consciousness and emotional regulation. People who have undergone childhood trauma may have difficulty acquiring these characteristics. Childhood trauma may have hampered the development of all the tools necessary for their emotional toolkit. Someone abused as a child may have trouble acquiring one or more of these EQ qualities.
How can you cope with childhood effects on your adult relationships?
Recognize the trauma
The first step in repairing any harm in our lives is to recognize the problem for what it is. The same is true of our childhood trauma. Although it can be difficult to accept things for what they were, we must remove our childish glasses and admit what happened to us. We can better comprehend ourselves and our wounds if we remove our rose-colored glasses.
Communicate and build trust with your partner
Communication is crucial in every healthy relationship. Being open and honest with a trustworthy person is therapeutic in and of itself, but open communication also means less guesswork. Open communication in healthy relationships means less guessing, trust, and security. Learning to trust again in tiny ways will aid you in developing better relationships and stopping the trauma from ruining your current bonds. If you can trust that your new partner will not react in the same manner that your parents did, and your new partner trusts you, that balance will help keep the relationship healthy.
Understand your triggers.
Certain things may, whether you’re conscious of it or not, evoke feelings, thoughts, or recollections of your childhood trauma when you’re dating. So try to pinpoint your triggers. Certain words, phrases, tones, or mannerisms can elicit emotions such as dread, anxiety, shame, or guilt if you have experienced emotional abuse. Knowing what your triggers are can help you prepare for them. It can also help you become more mindful and aware of how the behavior of others might influence your physical and emotional reactions, as well as your fight-or-flight response.
Spend Time Reflecting on Yourself
Self-reflection is crucial for personal development and healing. Take some time during self-reflection to name the feelings you felt during the trauma and the ones you are experiencing now. Allow yourself to feel the sensations and respond accordingly. When you feel emotions, you move them and then let them go. Self-awareness alone will not help you, but you should strive to be as conscious of your problems as possible. Investigate why you react in a certain way to certain triggers, and practice putting your feelings into words. This will help you better understand these feelings in the circle of your relationships and to communicate them better.
Don’t blame yourself when things don’t go as planned
In a relationship, you may blame yourself for the abuse you experienced or for previous unsuccessful relationships. And if a relationship doesn’t work out or someone rejects you, you’ll most certainly blame yourself. You could be tempted to repeat the “it’s all my fault” story you’ve grown accustomed to. As a result, we are more vulnerable to re-victimization. When we continue to blame ourselves and somehow justify our abuser’s actions, we attract people who believe they can manipulate and harm us because we will think it’s all our fault anyway. Try not to blame yourself. If something does not work out, try again later. Give yourself time to process it if you need it. It is normal to meet people with whom you do not connect or who will reject you.
Be kind to yourself and take your time
We are all unique in how we respond to and heal from trauma. There is no defined schedule, and there is no one way you “should” or “must” go about it. Respect your own path. Take as much time as you need to heal these deep wounds. Self-healing is crucial for living a healthy, happy life. Connecting to our own completeness is also required for fulfilling partnerships. With each stage of your healing journey, you gain more personal power and make more room for healthy bonds based on mutual trust, love, and respect.
It’s critical to recognize that many of your current relationship problems are not your fault. You are deserving of love and tranquility!