“When we give ourselves compassion, we are opening
our hearts in a way that can transform our lives.”
— Dr. Kristin Neff
Through affection, cherishment and trust, romantic relationships become nothing short of the majestic fairy tales we used to hear about. Layers of intimacy and love fold onto one another, creating a safe haven where one can grow, be vulnerable and feel truly seen.
Then, what about those moments when the connection is loosened, when you feel burdened by the expectations and demand of your relationship? What about those moments when you feel stuck in a cycle of over-giving– constantly feeling the intense urge to serve the other at the expense of your own capacity and well-being.
Over-giving, also known as pathological altruism, is not simply a character trait nor is it an undeniable dynamic between two individuals. It is often a trauma response that has developed as a coping mechanism, but has become a draining behavior. Join us as we explore the signs of over-giving, the psychology behind it and how to establish a healthier balance in your relationships.
What Does It Mean to Be an Over-Giver?
The trap of over-giving is that we often fail to recognize where our limits are. For many of us, what we offer is a reflection of our selflessness and generosity. However, let’s consider:
Have we been showing ourselves this level of love?
If the answer is not a definite yes, you might want to reconsider how you’ve been approaching the ones you care about. If you’re still hesitant, let’s take a closer look at the signs of over-giving:
- You feel guilty for saying no.
- Your self-worth is tied to how much you do for others.
- You give even when it leaves you feeling depleted.
- The balance of emotional labor in your relationships is unequal.
The Psychology Behind Giving Too Much.
For anyone who has started to feel that they have a tendency to overshare their love, this blog is not a testament of accountability nor is it a burden of blame. Instead, this is an invitation to our dear readers– to reflect and be mindful.
Understanding the roots of over-giving provides us the space to objectively recognize the patterns we wish to change. It’s like diving straight into the deep end. What a thrilling, scary and profound experience!
Psychological theories may explain over-giving in different ways:
- The ever-so famous cognitive behavioral theories explain that an ingrained belief, such as “I am only lovable when I’m useful,” shapes our behaviors which gets solidified through repeated experience.
- Meanwhile, psychodynamic theories tackle the same topic from the lens of unconscious motives in which a person may project their unmet needs onto their partners, unconsciously recreating familiar, yet painful interpersonal dynamics.
- Here’s another treat! Attachment theory suggests that our interpersonal relationships depend on the attachment styles we had with our caregivers. This means that over-giving can be a form of security for those with anxious-preoccupied attachment, a defense mechanism if you have fearful-avoidant attachment.
No matter which lens you take, over-giving is often rooted in deep-seated fears of vulnerability or a subconscious belief that love must be “earned” through acts of service. In other words, over-giving is rarely a selfless act focused on the “other.”
It is an expression of the “self.”
It is a form of overcompensation.
It is the reinforced disguise of fear, anxiety or unresolved emotional wounds.
Over-giving is a behavior that was encouraged through different pathways, such as:
Childhood Conditioning. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional—given only when you were “helpful” or “pleasing”—you may have learned to equate giving with worthiness. This can carry into adulthood, making you feel responsible for meeting others’ needs.
Fear of Abandonment. Many over-givers struggle with deep fears of rejection. Giving excessively can become a subconscious way to secure love, ensuring that others stay close. The thought of setting boundaries might feel terrifying, as it could be mistaken for pushing others away.
Low Self-Esteem. If your self-worth is fragile, you may use giving as a way to feel valued. Over-giving can provide a temporary sense of purpose.
Cultural Influences. Societal norms and gender roles often reinforce self-sacrifice, particularly in cultures that emphasize service and duty. Women, in particular, may be conditioned to prioritize others’ needs above their own, making over-giving seem like an expected or noble trait rather than a behavioral pattern that needs reflection.
Unresolved Trauma. Past experiences of neglect, emotional deprivation or betrayal can lead individuals to over-give as a way to regain control in relationships. Over-giving may serve as a protective strategy, where the person believes that if they give enough, they won’t be hurt, abandoned, or dismissed as they were in the past.
With Your Power, You Can Restore Balance
Resentment, emotional dependence and unhealthy power dynamics are only at the tip of the iceberg. The consequences of over-giving can sometimes be subtle, like the way you consistently prioritize others’ needs over your own without realizing it. They can also be detrimental, such as losing your sense of identity and personal fulfillment. Yet, there’s always a door open for you– the one that can guide you towards emotional freedom and recovery. Are you ready to take those steps?
1. Recognize Your Patterns: Self-awareness is the first step toward change. Reflect on your past relationships—do you notice a pattern of overextending yourself? Have you felt emotionally drained or unappreciated despite your efforts? Take the lead and notice yourself.
2. Set Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are the cornerstone for any healthy relationship, even with yourself. Start small—whether it’s saying no to an inconvenient favor or expressing your emotional needs. Remember, setting limits doesn’t mean you love less; it means you love yourself, too.
3. Practice Receiving: If receiving feels foreign to you, allow yourself to be cared for. If someone offers help, let them. Accept compliments without deflecting. Understand that love and support are not things you must earn—they are freely given in healthy relationships.
4. Prioritize Self-Care: Because providing care requires energy and effort, self-care is essential. To care for yourself is to care for others. To have the ability to embrace others, you need to be in a healthy mindset first. Don’t hesitate in engaging in activities that bring you guiltless joy and relaxation.
5. Communicate Your Needs: Open conversations about emotional balance can strengthen relationships. Express when you need support. Our partners often don’t know what we need until we communicate it. With simple strategies, communication becomes empowering.
6. Cultivate Your Self-Worth: True self-worth should not be built on how much you do for others, but on intrinsic value and self-acceptance. Engage in self-compassion practices and remind yourself that you deserve love for who you are, not just for what you provide.
7. Seek Professional Support: Addressing a deeply ingrained attitude can sometimes feel daunting and demotivating. Working with a therapist can help you express your thoughts in an open, non-judgemental space. It can also provide you with insights into childhood conditioning, attachment styles and coping mechanisms, helping you unlearn the belief that love must be earned through self-sacrifice.
You Deserve Love, Too.
Love shouldn’t feel like an endless effort to prove your worth. By valuing yourself beyond what you can give, you build relationships that are founded in shared growth and mutual respect.
You deserve a love that is balanced, reciprocal and fulfilling.