“Sorry’s not gonna cut it.” Explore the true definition and complexities of forgiveness and apologies.
Let’s assume someone just bumped into you.
“Oh, excuse me,” they say.
“It’s alright,” your response would likely be.
Now, let’s consider that this person bumped into you, pushed you to the ground, emotionally hurt you and refused to acknowledge their actions for quite some time. Then, one day, they show up and apologize.
Would you still easily consider everything to be “alright”?
Facing the sources of our pain has the ability to stir up heavy emotions– anger, resentment, frustration and conflict. Many of us would like to get rid of those, to move on and heal. Despite the wishes, reality claims hardship, conflicting us between our desire to forgive and our inability to wipe away the memories.
How do we go on about forgiveness?
In this blog, we will tackle the essence of forgiveness, tapping into strategies to help us curate sincere and empathetic apologies.
Inside the Intricacies of Forgiveness
We think forgiveness is a direct process. Someone apologizes, and it’s up to us to decide whether we accept or not. Despite the psychological benefits of adopting a forgiving mindset, being able to let go of the emotional burdens of the past is not a simple task. It’s a personal journey, clouded with ambiguities and, sometimes, even shame. So, this is where I lend you a helping hand, uncovering some misconceptions about forgiveness in hopes to foster compassion, empathy and acceptance:
Myth #1: Forgiveness involves reconciliation and forgetting the past.
Forgive and forget– it’s the anthem behind every conundrum. How do we forget pain that is still being felt?
Forgiveness is often mistaken to equate with reconciliation and renouncing others’ wrongdoings. It could imply condoning and foregoing the offense, as if wiping all injustice would wipe away the pain with it.
In reality, forgiveness means reclaiming autonomy over your pain, releasing yourself from the role of a passive receiver. It means being able to drop the heavy weight of anger and resentment, in order to fly towards positive emotions of peace and liberation. In other words, forgiveness is not a begrudging re-establishment of relationships with the offender, it is a personal internal process of transcending hurt and finding harmony.
Myth #2: Forgiveness is the only way to achieve sincere emotional recovery.
It’s frustrating having to deal with negative emotions inflicted by someone else. It’s even worse when you choose forgiveness, and still feel those emotions. What’s going on? Isn’t forgiving someone the way to move on and heal?
I have some news for you, although you may like it or not. Forgiveness plays a significant role in healing and maintaining one’s mental health. However, it is not necessarily a prerequisite nor the only way towards emotional recovery. Such recovery involves a complex interplay between coping mechanisms, thought processing and emotional regulation. Assuming that forgiveness is a one-way ticket towards inner peace will create pressure for it to be forced and harmful, especially in cases where it feels inappropriate or unachievable.
Forgiveness comes with healing, but it is not always an immediate step in the process.
Myth #3: Choosing forgiveness is a definite resolution.
“I forgave them. Wait, I wanna take it back.”
When we think of forgiveness, some consider it to be a decision one makes. Misconceptions about forgiveness is that it is a definite resolution, an objective to be reached, unchanging and achieved. On the contrary, forgiveness is more abstract and procedural. In fact, recent research started incorporating a distinction between emotional and decisional forgiveness, in which emotional forgiveness includes replacing negative emotions with positive ones. On the other hand, decisional forgiveness involves letting go of angry and resentful thoughts and intentions towards the offender. This distinction means one can exist without the other.
Thus, forgiveness is not a static step one reaches, it could be a journey of exploration and trial. Don’t feel disheartened or ashamed once you’ve felt ready to forgive, only to relapse back into emotions of bitterness. Pain is not easily felt, and it is within our human nature to have malice towards it. Therefore, patience and self-compassion are crucial to nurture a forgiving mindset, one that is able to rid you from the burden of emotional pain towards a healthier mental well-being.
Myth #4: Forgiveness is a necessary process that everyone has to experience.
In many cases, one simply does not wish to forgive. Another misconception of forgiveness is that it is crucial for maintaining well-being and inner harmony. On the contrary, forgiveness is simply a tool one can use for cultivating peace, but it is not indispensable. Without shame or guilt, forgiveness is a choice. One can still feel powerful and liberated when choosing not to forgive, and we always maintain autonomy on whether we decide to share this forgiveness or not.
Roles Reversed
In other cases, we might find ourselves unintentionally hurting those we love or care about. Stuck in unfamiliar waters, we grapple with our guilt, coursing through our brains for ways to apologize and express our regret. Don’t fret any longer, for there are several strategies that can help you communicate your sincerity and genuineness. Here are some tips to keep in mind when apologizing to those we care about:
- Acknowledge responsibility: Tension sometimes starts when apologies acknowledge perceived frustration while disregarding ownership of the act that caused the conflict. For example, instead of saying ‘I am sorry you felt hurt,’ try saying ‘I am sorry for insulting you’ since it shows that you recognize the effect of your actions, and that you claim accountability for your mistakes.
- Reflect on their feelings: It’s easy to fall into the trap of rationalizing and explaining one’s behavior when apologizing. However, remember that forgiveness is about understanding the effect of the act, rather than the act itself. Reflecting on the other person’s emotions is important and shows the ability to understand and empathize.
- Offer amends: If possible, and if both parties feel ready, offering amendments or plans for change can be a good start to rebuilding trust and compassion. Restitutions are one way to recognize that apologies may sometimes not be enough, and they give opportunities to avoid similar conflicts in the future.
- Set realistic expectations: The step after apologizing is sometimes ambiguous. We might feel the desire to be utterly forgiven and have the past rewrite itself. However, as with every conflict, time and space is sometimes warranted to allow both parties to process their feelings, intentions and thoughts.
- Commit to your sincerity: Consistency in actions and committing to learning from past mistakes is crucial to rebuild trust. Apologies are not a one-time gesture, they are a request to receive new chances for growth and improvement.
Free Yourself
We often consider that forgiveness is mercy bestowed on the offender. However, that is often not the case. Forgiveness is not about the other party. It is, in essence, a journey of self-discovery and personal salvation from the negative feelings associated with the pain of the past, keeping in mind that there exists many other journeys one can embark on if forgiveness does not seem appropriate. On the other hand, receiving sincere apologies is still one way to cultivate a forgiving mindset, as we explore the definitions of empathy and compassion.
The choice to forgive is an inalienable right. It is your decision– your power.