Communication is one of the most fundamental aspects of any relationship. It is how we bond, express ourselves, and demonstrate that we understand one another. What is Non-violent Communication, and how can we achieve it?
Understanding each other at the level of our needs fosters such bonds because, at this deeper human level, our similarities exceed our differences, resulting in greater compassion. When we focus on needs without interpreting or transmitting criticism, blame, or demands, our inner creativity blossoms, and previously hidden answers emerge.
Nonviolent communication (NVC), often known as compassionate communication, is a style of communication that aims to help people connect more compassionately with themselves and others. Nonviolent communication has the potential to transform interactions by allowing people to become more aware of their own, as well as others, feelings, needs, and desires in a given context.
Nonviolent communication aims to help people rethink and reorganize how they express themselves and listen to others. As humans, we learn to react to certain situations automatically. When asked, “How are you?” the instinctive response may be, “I’m OK,” however, this may not be the case. Such habitual responses are functional because they conserve time and cognitive resources while allowing us to respond rapidly in emergency situations. They do, however, prohibit us from being completely authentic. The ultimate purpose of NVC is to create a mutually satisfying exchange in which all people involved’s needs are addressed via compassionate giving.
This article will explore NVC, its impact, and its process.
The 4 Steps of NVC
Nonviolent Communication is divided into four steps: observation, feeling, needs, and requests.
1- Observations
What occurred?
What specifically did someone do or say?
Observations are what we see or hear as the impetus for our reactions. We aim to describe what we are reacting to in precise, detailed, and neutral terms, similar to how a video camera may capture the scene. This contributes to the formation of a shared reality with the other person. The observation provides context for our communication of feelings and desires, and it may not even be necessary if both persons understand the context—separate observations/facts from interpretations and judgments in the first stage. Describe what occurred (what someone did or said) or what you are telling yourself about what occurred. Discuss what a camera might capture rather than the meaning you assign to a situation or words. For example: there are flowers, two seats, and three paintings on the walls in this room. When sharing observations, avoid using phrases like: frequently, seldom, never, always, and so on. It is not always necessary to agree on everything that occurred, but attempt to identify the fundamental “facts” that affected/triggered you somehow.
2- Feelings
What are your thoughts? How does the other person feel?
Feelings are our emotional experiences and bodily sensations related with our met or unmet needs (see below). Our goal is to recognize, name, and engage with those feelings. Focusing on words that convey our inner experience rather than terms that describe our judgments of other people’s actions is the key to identifying and expressing sentiments. “I feel lonely,” for example, represents an inner experience, whereas “I feel like you don’t love me” describes an interpretation of how the other person is experiencing. The goal of naming sentiments is to connect with the underlying requirements. Feelings have the property of naming how you feel and the emotions you experience. When you express your feelings, it is critical not to mix them with what you believe others are doing to you or what you believe about yourself. Words that express feelings are distinguished from words and phrases that contain an analysis of someone else’s behavior and a description of our ideas in Nonviolent Communication. It is common for people to begin a sentence with “I feel…” and then offer their views or judgments instead of their feelings.
3- Needs
Which needs (yours or others) are met or unmet?
Understanding, recognizing, and connecting with our wants improves our relationship with ourselves and fosters understanding with others, increasing the likelihood that we will all take actions that meet everyone’s needs. Needs are the source of our emotions. When our wants are met, we experience pleasurable emotions. When our needs are not met, our sentiments can lead us to take actions that, hopefully, will meet them. What can go wrong in this step is confounding needs with strategies. It’s important to distinguish between needs and the tactics you use to meet those wants because starting a disagreement at the strategy level is more easier than at the needs level.
4- Requests
Is there anything else you’d like to ask someone right now?
Perhaps you should ask yourself?
To meet our needs, we submit requests to assess the likelihood of receiving cooperation for specific techniques we have in mind. Our goal is to develop and communicate a specific action that we believe will serve this objective and then check with others involved to see if they are willing to contribute to meeting our requirements in this manner. The fourth step’s goal is to clarify how you want your requirements addressed. You ask others to do something rather than trusting they will figure it out on their own, increasing the likelihood that your demands will be met. You can ask others, but you can also ask yourself.
Benefits of NVC
Improving self-awareness
We improve our soft skills and awareness by remaining alert and understanding through NVC. We acknowledge our own emotions and notice how they alter in different situations. One of the most fundamental components in efficiently connecting with others is self-awareness. Knowing this, we may begin to comprehend the significance of various modes of communication and how they affect all individuals involved in a conversation.
Fostering relationships
Nonviolent communication relies on the message being expressed concisely, precisely, and accurately. Its purpose is to increase comprehension. This type of expression allows less room for criticism and more room for successful message sharing. When you express your concerns assertively, you give the other person the opportunity to understand and share them. Marshall Rosenberg emphasizes the significance of including the other person in the “shared optimism that has the potential to disappoint.”
Showing love and respect
Listening to the words of another person demonstrates respect for the speaker. Listening and expressing well during a talk shows that you value what he or she is saying. NVC demonstrates your values to your relationship, and your partner sees you as a valued asset. Suppose there is a lack of effective and flourishing communication among people. In that case, one party becomes a liability to the other, and communication becomes a chore rather than something you actually enjoy.
Understanding other people
There is a definite distinction between communication and successful communication, and that distinction is based on effectiveness. NVC allows people to understand one another. The ultimate goal of communication should always be understanding – not fighting, dismissing, or invalidating, but understanding. We can go on with the situation and take the necessary steps to improve the relationship when we understand and listen to others even when we disagree.
Conflict resolution
The key to effective peaceful communication is to talk from your own point of view. This way, no one can argue with what you say. Because the message belongs to the person conveying it. So, if you don’t want someone to view your message as an innuendo or an attack, use “I” expressions like “I feel.” Here’s an illustration. “We agreed to meet an hour ago, but you are always late,” you could say. You’re so self-centered.” “I feel like every time you make me wait so long, it makes me not want to stay with you,” try instead. It’s disheartening, and it makes me feel useless.” Replace accusations and criticism with emotional messages. Your communication will be less negative as a result. You may express yourself without offending the other person. And, rather than becoming annoyed, you will both be able to solve the situation.
Nonviolent communication is a technique for achieving interpersonal peace and gaining knowledge for future collaboration. Only you may choose your preferred way of communication, however here is a good place to start.