Have a hard time saying no to people? Thinking you have to accept every request coming your way?
Sounds like people-pleasing behavior. A people pleaser is someone who, by trying to make everyone happy, ends up taking on more than they can. They end up being overloaded with work they don’t want to do and go out of their way to please someone.
How do you stop pleasing people out of your own comfort? Keep reading to get to know the causes of such behavior and how you can change it!
What causes people-pleasing?
You’re a giver, but there are limits to how many resources and time you can give. People-pleasing behavior can come from wanting people’s approval all the time, needing external validation to function. In its essence, it is not a healthy way to cope with your environment; it is probably caused by low self-esteem, perfectionism, and insecurity.
Recognize the signs:
- You can’t say no to someone.
- You agree with people even if you have a different opinion.
- You need other people to like you at all costs.
- You’re conflict-averse, avoiding conflicts no matter what.
- You apologize even when you’re not in the wrong.
- You’re always busy, doing other people favors.
All in all, people-pleasers would instead do the work than have an honest conversation with people where they communicate their needs. But how does this affect them?
What are the effects of people-pleasing?
Over time, people-pleasing syndrome (the willingness to sacrifice your own identity, wants, and needs to please people) will lead you to emotional, mental, and physical pain.
Even when you enjoy helping others, taking it to an extreme will make you angry and frustrated at yourself for saying yes when you just don’t have time to help.
You will eventually feel like people are taking advantage of you, and managing all these responsibilities will make you anxious and stressed.
In a way, people-pleasing will make you resentful of others or make the people around you uncomfortable when you take over their tasks and take away their agency.
Either way, it will surely backfire, so let’s learn how to stop engaging in people-pleasing behavior.
How to stop people-pleasing?
It’s time to put some boundaries: if you’re suffering from pleasing people uncontrollably, this is where you can start.
- Prioritize yourself.
It’s time to do something for your benefit; practicing self-compassion can be a start. The need for external validation has led you far from healthy habits, learn how to give to yourself as much as you give to others.
You can also delegate times during your week to care for your own needs: do an activity you enjoy every day, like reading, taking a walk, or watching an episode of a show that brings you joy.
Additionally, try to surround yourself with friends who care about you and make plans to hang out; you can even try some relaxing activities like meditation. Find your flow, and keep going.
- Set your goals.
Having a list of goals for what you want to accomplish can help you stick to a no-person-pleasing habit. Who are the people you want to help? What tasks do you want to finish today?
On the days where the list is far too long and you have no time or energy to spend on others, remember that saying no is an option you have. Going out of your way to help will only deteriorate your well-being, leaving you unable to help neither you nor others.
Think ahead before offering to help.
- Help when you want to!
You need to start using the time you’ve allocated for others to do something nice for yourself. And if you feel like helping specific people with things they struggle with, go for it!
Just remember to draw boundaries when you don’t feel like helping. Practice saying “I’ll get back to you” in the mirror. This way you delay your response and have ample time to figure out if you want to help out or not.
- Reassure yourself.
You are not selfish for setting boundaries. You are not inconsiderate if you listen to your desires and needs. Remind yourself that you are a kind, empathetic, compassionate person that wants to help when they can.
Give yourself credit when you feel like you’re not doing enough for others: sometimes, only helping yourself is the right choice.
Don’t rush yourself into helping others if you’re already flooded with work. In the end, the first person you should be helping is yourself.