Toxic friendships: How can they affect you, how to identify them, and how to set limits?

The thing about toxic friendships is that they’re very hard to identify. Some signs of toxic behavior have been drilled into us to be considered signs of closeness and familiarity despite how they may make you feel. On the other hand, you may be considered petty or immature for pointing out certain behaviors, so you avoid doing so just in case it’s all in your head. 

This holds you back from being sure about how they’re treating you (are they being toxic?), how you feel (am I blowing things out of proportion?) and calling them out on it.

You’ve likely landed on this article because you’ve been struggling with your friend’s behavior. Or you may just have been feeling uneasy or uncomfortable around them and you’re not sure if it’s something to be concerned about. 

This article will explore the 7 most common signs that you’re in a toxic friendship and how to deal with it.

How do you feel and what do you want?

Before you decide on what to do next, it’s important first to get clarity on what exactly is bothering you and therefore what you want. This requires some self-reflection. Sit down with your thoughts and write down those things to help you get that clarity you need. Ask yourself:

• What exactly do you not like about how your friend treats you?
• How do you feel after spending time with your friend?
• What would you like to happen? Are you looking for changed behavior or an apology?

After clarifying these things to yourself, try and objectively make a mental run-through of your friend’s actions. Does it fit any of the following signs of a toxic friendship?

1. It’s All About Them And Their Problems

Think back to your interactions with your friend: was the dominant topic always their problems? Was your role in all your calls and conversations just passive listening with a disregard to how things are with you? Do you feel like a “how are you?” is only asked half-heartedly before the conversation turns back to their life?

2. They Don’t Respect You Nor Your Boundaries

It’s important to differentiate between someone who is close to you and someone who is taking advantage of you. For example, that friend may consider themself close enough to borrow your belongings without asking, but this makes you feel disrespected, uncared for, and unheard. 

3. They’re Trying to Change You

Do you feel compelled to be someone you’re not when you’re with your friend? A toxic relationship may make you feel pressured to act in compliance with your friend’s requirements. 

For example, they may put you in uncomfortable situations or ask you to talk, dress, or behave differently. The line is drawn when this pressures you to compromise your character. 

4. There’s Always Drama

The most obvious indicator of a toxic friendship is when someone creates drama constantly. There’s always commotion when they’re around, either because they’re constantly picking fights with someone, or because crazy things keep happening to them. Keep an eye out for drama and don’t nurture it. 

5. You Feel Uncomfortable Around Them

In general, spending time with a close buddy should make you feel good, but with this friend it’s not the case. Instead, you’re left feeling nervous or uneasy. It’s important to examine those feelings closely so before you decide that this relationship is toxic, look for additional signals that something isn’t quite right.

6. They Constantly Put You Down

Toxic pals, unlike other people in your network of friends, rarely praise or applaud you. In fact, they never congratulate you on your accomplishments or hype you up. Instead, they’ll kick you when you’re down and rarely make you feel good about yourself. They may also sulk when others are supporting you.

7. They’re Often Jealous Of Your Other Friends

When you’re with other people, a toxic friend will have a hard time sharing you with other friends and will become envious when you do. This isn’t the normal afraid to lose you type of jealousy that you might find in a close friendship, but rather an unreasonableness possessiveness over your time.

Now that we covered the most common signs, it’s time to talk about how to deal with such a situation.

How to avoid toxic friendships

You’re only responsible for your own actions. It’s important going into this to understand that you don’t have control over how other people treat you, but you’re in full control of your reactions and who gets access to you. Here’s what you can do:

Set new boundaries

The most effective thing you can do in your social life is to set healthy and reasonable boundaries. You want to avoid being passive about your role in how people treat you, as well as stop the assumption that people will give you what you want or need without you asking for it.

Officially end the friendship

Some friendships are just beyond repair. This is also a valid solution for you that involves sitting down with the person and letting them know that the friendship has run its course. I’ll be the first to admit, this is a difficult and courageous option to take, but in certain cases it’s necessary. Your mental health and well being should always be your priority. 

Completely drop them

The difference between this option and the one before is that this doesn’t involve any kind of confrontation. This should be the case if your friend is being physically or emotionally abusive by calling you names, putting you in dangerous situations, threaten you or try to control you, for example. You completely cut someone off from your life by deleting or removing any access they have to you. This includes: blocking and deleting their mobile number, removing them from your social media accounts..etc. 

Get help

The emotional toll of ending a relationship can be akin to grieving the death of a loved on. You don’t have to deal with that on your own and in most cases, you may require professional assistance. Also, your friend’s behavior may be attributed to certain inner struggles, encourage them to get help if you believe they need to talk to someone or are a danger to themselves or others.

Ending things with a toxic person is a decision you must make for yourself. When you let go of a toxic friendship, you let go of a lot of negativity and get the freedom to be yourself.