The desire to “help” others is a wonderful human characteristic, yet it makes you undermine yourself as you try to “fix” their problems instead of yours. Why do you have that strong urge to help others, and how to help yourself instead?
A fixer has the urge to fix anyone they perceive to be tired, hurtful, or lacking in happiness. They almost always do so because they are often the actual survivors of past damage.
If you have a fixer mentality, you might be the first friend who runs to help others, the one who feels the burden of solving their parents’ conflicts, and the person who likes to handle all work tasks. So how does that make you feel? Are you supporting yourself enough as well? What is the reason behind your mentality?
Read on to find out the answers and more.
Reasons that you have a fixer mentality
If you believe you have a fixer personality, you must understand why you want to be a hero and badly save the day.
- Thinking that you are responsible for their happiness
Because you believe you are accountable for the bliss of others, you may feel compelled to change things for them. If your friend has difficulties with his family, you can offer to intervene and assist. Hence, when you are emotionally involved with others, you attempt to save them from their emotional pain.
- Having an empathetic character
An Empath cannot simply ignore another person’s emotions. The reason for that is that most of the time, you understand your friend’s and family’s pain, and being the empath you are, you can’t sit on the sidelines and not do anything. You’re not looking in; you’re looking out with them, and you’re aware that something needs to be done.
- The need to stay in control
On the other hand, trying to fix others can stem from a desire for keeping things within control. You may feel that others’ problems are your responsibility and that you need to help the or else things will become disastrous. I understand as you would be thinking that your help is really what they need and that as long as you are in the loop, things will be better.
Ways to manage and deal with the fixer mentality
Here are 4 ways to help manage and deal with a fixer mentality
- Ask yourself why you are a fixer.
To begin, you must determine why you are attempting to save people, what your thoughts are as you do it, and how it makes you feel. Try to check in with yourself and ask, “Why did I rush first to help this person?”, “Why do I handle my partner’s problems when I got my own?”. This can help you better reflect on your character, reactions, and emotions as you do them.
- Listen Effectively
You may be sitting across from the other person and hearing what they’re saying, but are thinking of solutions just as they speak, and this may not always be helpful. Try to pay attention and refrain from responding as you analyze the situation clearly. I know you want to help, but sometimes the other person just wants to listen! You can react much more effectively after you notice what the other person needs from sharing their pain with you.
- Be supportive.
Instead of using the fixer mentality with others, try approaching them with the intent of supporting them. When someone you care about says they’re having problems, don’t immediately rush in for the rescue, as some situations might require the person’s effort solely. Simply, offer assistance with your words, presence, simple guidance, and sometimes maybe a hug.
- Ask if they need help.
When people require assistance, they usually approach you. But if they’re too shy, stubborn, or proud, instead of just giving your unsolicited opinion, ask them, “Can I help?”. Approach them with curiosity and a genuine desire to help, without showing them a need to fix what they’re struggling with. But remember that It’s OK to ask if they need your assistance, but if they insist on not needing help and can handle things independently, then let them.
I know your intentions are genuine help and support, but make sure to look into yourself as well, help yourself, and after that, you can help others.
